Our Story

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve desperately wanted to have a baby and be a mother.

February 2014 we decided to start our journey towards parenthood, and it was neither quick nor easy. This is our story. It’s not a short story, and it’s not the happiest story either – but it ends well.

June 25, 2011 I married the love of my life. It was a beautiful summer day in Indiana complete with all our dearest family and friends celebrating with us as we made a commitment before the Lord to love each other more than we love ourselves. Since that day we always knew in our minds that we would one day become parents, and we lived like it. We planned what we would name our kids when they arrived, we dreamed about whose eyes our children would have, we made plans for the future of our children and we laughed at each other when we pulled our trademark moves saying our kids would act just like us.

Almost three years later we decided it was time for us to pursue our dream. We went off birth control and decided to see when God would decide to answer our hearts desire and give us a baby. We knew it wouldn’t be immediate, but we anticipated it would be quick and we could begin our parenting journey.

To say we were excited is an understatement. Most of you reading this know the feeling. It is your first time trying to have a kid, every night is special. Every night you wonder if God has given you a child to care for. We eagerly anticipated the end of each month to see when God was going to give us our own child to care for.

Our first three months quickly passed, with 3 quick no’s. This was to be expected, and our spirits weren’t dampened.

Three months quickly turned into six.

Six turned to nine.

Nine no’s.  This wasn’t something we expected, but it wasn’t unusual either. We decided it was time to be a bit more structured and proactive about it. Vanessa started keeping track of her temperature and counting days of the month. After several months of this we still came back with “no”.

After a year of no’s we came to our tipping point and went to see a doctor. We contacted a recommended doctor because I (Vanessa) experienced unexplained pain for several years. We were fearful she might have endometriosis. The doctor confirmed this suspicion and we scheduled surgery.

In March of 2015 I went in for surgery. After a successful procedure, I woke up to the news that I had stage 4 endometriosis (the most severe stage) but the doctor was able to remove the majority of it and he was hopeful that with a few hormone shots, which would pause our attempts for over six months, we would still be able to conceive. It seemed no matter how hard we tried to schedule my shot, something kept delaying it.  We prayed fervently and felt God was leading us not to pursue the shot. At this point we were still hopeful but it became a guarded hope.

Soon after Vanessa’s surgery we found out that I (Tim), would need a surgery of my own. That April, I went in for my own procedure that wasn’t as successful as we anticipated.

The summer dragged on with each month that passed by leaving us broken hearted and confused. We saw our friends around us get pregnant. We saw people we barely knew get pregnant. For a while, it felt like everyone but us was getting pregnant. Facebook was so full of new mommy pictures Vanessa had to log on only sporadically to prevent herself from feeling the pain.

We did what we could to cope. We tried to push the pain out of our minds and hearts by distracting ourselves with anything we could. I (Tim) became absorbed with my job and trying to provide for our family. I (Vanessa) threw myself into my job and did my best to turn off or ignore my emotions all together. We would play video games and turn on the television just so we wouldn’t have to feel or think.

Our infertility became the elephant in the room neither of us really wanted to talk about. As one year started to roll into two we pursued a fertility specialist. He told us with our history and numbers we had very few options. We decided to try several IUI treatments (much better on the pocket book especially because we’ve been through a lot of job upheaval in the last few years). The doctor told us we had a very small chance of success but we had complete faith that God can work in the low percentages and bring us our long awaited baby.

After several treatments we didn’t get a positive result and we couldn’t afford anymore at the time. It was devastating. Where was God in all of this? 

We had faith, complete faith…why wasn’t it working?

We felt like He abandoned us. How could He not give us a baby? This is something good. We want to raise a child in Him. Why wasn’t He letting us have this? We were told that our next and really only option was IVF. After a few more months of trying naturally with no positive results I (Vanessa) remember calling the doctor to ask if we had any other options outside of IVF. It was in this call that I was told that we had about a 2% chance of conceiving naturally. I was heartbroken. Everything I had feared sat right there in front of me. I broke down and wept. Praise God for amazing friends who caught me in that moment and comforted me in a way I am forever grateful for.

For me (Tim), the hardest day of the week was Sunday. Each week we would show up to church and see many families around us who were able to live out our dream while we had to sit in our sorrow. It became difficult to pray and sing praises to the Lord. Communion became a chore rather than a sacred celebration. We had repeated the same prayer for two and a half years; I couldn’t see how one more prayer was going to be any different. But we continued to go to church, continued to sing, continued to pray and take communion together. It was painful, but in spite of our pain we knew God was there with us.

Over summer break God woke me (Vanessa) out of sleep and told me I needed to go pray in the room we had picked out as our nursery. I sat and prayed over different items in the room and listened to what God wanted to say. I clearly heard Him say that He was going to give us a child naturally and this child would tell His story. I was so hopeful. I remember coming back to bed and waking Tim up to tell him about it. I expected amazing news over the summer. The summer months came and went and still no baby. God was again teaching us to trust in Him and His timing.

We had saved up money for close to a year in anticipation of pursuing IVF this winter. After meeting with the doctor we discovered we had only saved half of what we would need to cover our expenses. An amazing couple decided to come alongside of us and create a way for us to raise funds. We were hesitant in this decision and put it off for a few months to prayerfully consider this route.

Then God moved.

After all the prayers and tears, after all the pain and sorrow God flexed his muscles and did what the doctors didn’t think could be done – HE gave us a baby! I remember coming out of school in early September and clearly hearing from God, “you need to try”. I heard Him several times. On October 4^th of this year we found out that God had given us His tiny miracle! We are over the moon excited at this news! He worked in the 2% and blessed us beyond belief with a child.

We tell this story for two reasons; we want to celebrate God’s great and mighty deeds in our lives and to let others know they aren’t alone in their struggle with infertility. God has grown and stretched our faith in ways we couldn’t even imagine but as we sit writing this story we can look back and see His hand moving through every part of this long and painful journey. If it wasn’t for our friends and family who would sit with us, cry with us, pray with us, and encourage us we don’t know how we could have pushed through the past three years.

If your story is similar to ours please reach out to those around you for support and encouragement. Reach out to us and others who have a story similar to us for help. We know your pain better than most and can come alongside you to walk this journey together. God always has a plan, even if it’s hard for us to see. His love is greater than we can imagine and He is walking this journey with us every step of the way.

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

Never Too Early To Be Daddy

NO, there is no baby Kylander.

Earlier today I posted a quote from an article about the inclines of stay at home dads, and my status blew up with people curious as to why I posted it -  so I thought I would explain here.

(In case you missed it...)
Here's the quote: According to the Pew Research Center, there were 2 million stay-at-home dads in 2012, nearly double the number from 1989. And overall, the time fathers spend with their children has nearly tripled from a generation ago.

Here's the article: http://www.npr.org/2014/08/15/334451114/youre-not-alone-dads-who-blog-redefine-modern-fatherhood

The truth is, I really like the second half of the quote "...overall, the time fathers spend with their children has nearly tripled from a generation ago."

Parenting is so important to Vanessa and I that we've already begun our parenting journey - even before we have kids.

Let me explain...

I want my children to know I love their mother, so I show V as much love as I have to give now, and when we have kids I won't have to try to show them how much I love V - it will be a natural part of our house. They'll see me hug and kiss her. They'll see me help clean around the house. They'll hear me tell her that I love her and that she's beautiful. I won't have to make a habit of doing it after we have kids, I'll just keep doing what I already do.

I want our kids to see that V and I love Jesus, and we want them to love Jesus too. V and I pray together. We read together. We talk about Jesus openly, not in scheduled meetings or undertones. We talk about him in the car, we talk about relying on him at dinner and we have our own quiet time in the Word to dedicate time and acknowledge that Jesus is or King. If it's natural now, it is one less thing we have to try and model for our kids - we're already doing it!

I see parents do awesome things with their kids. I've seen a post floating around FB of a dad and son grocery shopping in superhero outfits - I want to be that dad! I see dads taking their kids fishing and just having fun with each other - I want to be that dad!

I also see lot's of stereotypes and bad parenting floating around. And I don't want anything to do with that. I know I'll have my bad moments as a dad, but they won't define my parenting journey.

So when I see research saying that dads are spending 3x's more time with their kids than a generation ago I get excited! It tells me that it is possible to be an awesome dad in a crazy world, and I want to celebrate that!

I also know that I'm viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. I know I'm naive when it comes to 99% of parenting, but I'm gonna keep trying to be the best husband, parent, and person God made me to be.

No, I'm not a dad. But I have already started to be a parent.

#100Students

This year we're taking our 4th-6th grade students to SuperStart! Treasured. I am unbelievably excited for this. I think I'm more excited for SuperStart! than I was for Christmas.

In a period of 48 hours we'll break down social barriers and awkward barriers and connect preteens to each other and more importantly to Jesus.

This year I want to take 100 students with us to SuperStart! Treasured.

I need you to join me in prayer that God would bring 100 students to CCM so we can show them they are TREASURED in God's eyes.

I ask you to partner with me to advertise SuperStart! Treasured. I've already posted a picture and a video to my Facebook, so if you can comment/like/share those I would really appreciate it. You can share your excitement for SuperStart! Treasured along with pictures from HERE and videos from HERE.

If you know a student who should go then direct them to ccmason.org/events to register. All the info they need is there!

 Let's partner together to guide students toward the Cross.

Cost is $65 and the deadline is March 2nd.

Let's pray for #100Students. Let's share for #100Students.

Sledding @ Kings Domain

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Parents!

If there is a snow day on Monday, January 6th we'll have an unofficial meet up at Kings Domain camp at 2:00pm to go sledding! It's a great way to enjoy the snow and get out of the house! We'll start at 2:00, and go until the tired tears come out.

There is no registration, just show up!

I hope for a snow day and I hope to see you there!

http://www.kingsdomain.org/
Map of Kings Domain

(Disclaimer: this event is not affiliated with Christ's Church at Mason)
[Nobody likes legal mumbo-jumbo]

Parents! How to Instagram

Hey Parents!

I've recently delved into the social media wold of Instagram and since it's been pretty popular among tweens I thought I'd try and help you understand Instagram and how to keep up with your kids if they have it.

On its most basic level Instagram is an app that allows you to take, edit and share pictures across the internet.  Instagram is one of the top 3 social media platforms currently available (the other two being Twitter and Facebook), and can be used on a computer as well as any mobile device.  It originated as an app specific to Apple but has recently opened to Android as well.

Here are 5 simple things to help you parent your kids on Instagram:

1.  Create Clear Rules for Using Instagram. Creating structure and clear expectations with your kids will help you and your kids understand what Instagram is to be used for.  If your child breaks the rules let them know what rule they broke and why they're facing a consequence for breaking that rule.  If you haven't set up guidelines for your kids to use Instagram it's never too late to start.  By doing this you'll be a mean parent for a bit - but it will make life much, much easier for you and your kids.

2. Monitor Their Account.  There are two great ways to do this.  First, be sure you have the username and password to their account.  Let them know you're going to log in and check their account - and then be sure to actually do it.  If you create clear rules then it won't be a huge shock for them when they see you digging through their account.  Second, create and account yourself.  If your kids need you to be the mom or dad who knows you are their friend, then name your account so everyone knows you are a follower (i.e. your full name, or bring your kids name into your account somehow - such as @TimmyKsMother).  Or, if you want your presence to be more discreet, then create a weird name for your account that nobody will recognize.

Just because you have an account doesn't mean you need to actively use it - so don't feel like you have to accept another social media responsibility.  You can use it for the sole purpose of keeping up with your kids from a distance.

3.  Read the Hashtags.  This is a very daunting task, but it's important.  A hashtag is a way to categorize your post, so it's a good way to understand why they're posting that picture.  If you see words you don't understand (and you will see them) please refer to my previous post about a great tool that can help you decipher what they're saying.

4.  Look Through Your Kids Followers and Who Your Kids Follow.  This allows you to see if any shady people are following your children as well as see if your kids are following any shady people.  I know a 5th grade student who has over 800 followers - I can guarantee there are a handful of those 800 people who should be blocked from that students profile.  When you see something shady address it, but understand that when your child follows 800 people there is no way (s)he can know who everyone is - so they might have accepted a follower on accident and didn't realize they were there (it's happened to me in Twitter before. Let's just say it was interesting.).

Another strategy for this is to create a clear rule that anyone you follow/follows you must be someone you know personally.  This will limit some awesome people for your kids to follow (i.e. the Reds, public figures etc), but it allows you better control over who's interacting with your kids.

5.  Set Your Child's Account To Private.  This is a great feature that prevents anyone you don't know from accessing your child's account.  This link does a better job explaining it than I ever could! http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Instagram-Photos-Private

Following these 5 simple steps can help you tremendously with your kids as well as keep you in the loop with their activities.  Remember, when your kids get mad at you because you're invading their privacy that you are doing the right thing.  There are countless other parents going through the same thing you are and experiencing similar struggles.  If you don't believe me then post something about it on Facebook and within 10 minutes you'll see you're not alone.

As always, feel free to comment or contact me for any more information about Instagram or social media and I'll do my best to help you out.

A Tip for Parents of Tweens

Parents! This one's for you!

After working with 5th and 6th grade students for the school year and immersing myself in their culture I realized how foreign their language really is.  I've recently joined instagram (@timkylander) and have connected with a few of the students I know from Kids Inc. and I have learned a few things from it.

First and foremost is that tweens really do have their own language.  After reading through a few captions and scores of hashtags I've realized they have their own way of communicating, and a lot of times that communication is designed to fool and confuse parents so you don't know what your child or your child's friends are talking about.

Good news! I'm here to help you!  Your new best friend is urbandictionary.com.

I know you don't have time to keep up with everything your kids say and if your kids are anything like I was it can be impossible to get information from them, so this website will help you decode tween so you can understand it.

However, this website can be a double edged sword.  Since it defines any slang word you will get very explicit definitions for some nasty stuff.  It has no filters, and explains things just as they are.  If you take time to browse its extensive collection you will find some highly amusing words as well as some highly vulgar/explicit ones as well.

Hopefully, when you look up any of the words you see your kids hashtagging it won't be anything shocking, and if it is I would assume they don't know what it means

Please remember I'm in your corner on this parents.  I am terrified of the day V and I send little Kylander into 5th grade because he or she will be like me and it will make life interesting.  If you ever need help understanding or talking with your kids please don't hesitate to let me know :)

TK

Finding Your Purpose

    I feel that too often we, church leaders, are really good at what we do without knowing why we do it. Sure, we have a super cool motto for our ministries that reflect our purpose within our ministries, but how do we form those purpose statements? What thoughts, principles and concepts are we drawing from in order to create our ministry purpose? Do we even know what the role of our ministry is (outside of the super cool purpose statement)? Do we even know what the role of the church is?
    In my extremely limited experience, I have not seen someone who truly understands the role of the church, or even their own ministry. So those are my current soul searching questions. What is the role of the church? How does my ministry fit within that role?
    At my church we have adopted Rick Warrens 5 purposes of the church to become the purpose for our church. I have a problem with this for two reasons. I feel when you limit the purpose of the church to a checklist you limit the potential of the church. This is why I believe the Rick Warren 5 fold-purpose of the church (and other models like it) is inadequate. The church is more organic in nature (as opposed to mechanical) and its stated purpose should reflect this. However, this does open up the possibility of not emphasizing enough structure within the church you can again miss the purpose of the church. Even organics have structure within them.
    As church leaders it is our responsibility to discover what the purpose of the church is, and then we must see how each ministry of our particular church fit within that purpose. I believe the specific purpose of each church is different, but the general purpose of the church is universal. Just as everyone has a different body, but we are all supported by the same skeleton. Taking someone elses purpose statement for the church makes life too easy for you - you have an answer to a question but you aren’t able to fully understand the answer since it isn’t your own.
    Universally, I feel the Church has a unified purpose.  Jack Cottrell, in his book “The Faith Once For All” (a theology text book), states there is a two-fold purpose for the Church.  First it is to display God’s glory on earth and second it is to be the means which God shares his goodness with man.  I feel this is accurate to scriptures, and is a great summation of the purpose of the Church.  With this foundation, we can easily form our own unique purpose statements for our own unique churches.
    This allows for a lot of flexibility and creativity to create a purpose statement for your church.  It also requires a lot of wisdom, discipline and accountability.  You cannot create a purpose statement that is so structured that your ministry becomes nothing more than an equation.  Conversely, you cannot create a purpose statement that is so laid back there is no direction for the church to grow.  This is a great opportunity for church leaders to reexamine what they wish to accomplish, and will give them the focus the need to accomplish their dreams and goals.
    With this in mind, we must identify what ministries will bring about the purpose statement each individual church.  For example, does a ladies workout ministry, complete with its own budget and everything, really help bring about the purpose of your church?  You must find the ministries that do accomplish the purpose of your church and keep them.  You must remove those that suck time and resources with purposes other than the one you stated and remove them.  This will leave you with ministries that are effective, and have the ability to accomplish the purpose you have set out to accomplish.
    The hardest part (for me that is) is to see how your own ministry accomplishes (or doesn’t accomplish) the church purpose.  You have to be honest with yourself with this one.  You might have to cut out some of your favorite programs in order to accomplish your church wide purpose, and you might have to add programs you loathe in order to accomplish your church wide purpose.  The important thing to remember during this process is that the ministry and the church is not yours.  The church is headed by Christ, and the ministry is headed by the church.  You are accomplishing Christ’s will, not your own.
    I feel this is the most effective way to find purpose, clarity and effectiveness within a church.  I am very confident that I have not presented any new ideas for finding the purpose within a church.  For me, this blog post was a way to organize my own thoughts.  I felt it would be important to share with the world in the hopes that my thoughts might spark a few thoughts of your own.  I also accept that what I have written may not be completely accurate and it may not be the best way to find purpose within a church.  This was just for my benefit, but I felt I would be remiss not to share it with you.  Please fee free to leave any comments (preferably constructive).  We are in this ministry/life thing together, so lets work together to change the world for Jesus.